Saturday, November 1, 2014

The Cuban Commentator's Top Ten Most Hated Video Game Characters

Reviewed by David Gonzalez (Gamer's perspective) and Hannah Jennings (Non-gamer's perspective)

DAMN YOU! I HATE YOU!
 Me?! What did I do?!
Not you! The person in this freaking game!
What happened? You jump off a cliff?
No! I just wish this guy would!
Why?
Because I HATE HIM! He's such a jacka** that if he were real I'd strangle the crap out of him and force him to eat it so I can squeeze it out of him again!
Okay calm down. Who are you even talking about?
You don't know him... You know what? Why don't I tell you who I hate in these games?
As long as you don't shout at me for not knowing who you're talking about, I'm no gamer.
...FINE! But there's gonna be some rules.
No shouting or swearing.
Besides that. Only one character per franchise. Only games that I've played. And They have to be sentient beings, so no monsters from Monster Hunter Tri.
Well considering the only game I really play is GTA5 you've got the better bet.
And one last thing, this is my opinion so NO hate comments! We WILL delete them!
Yeah! You can disagree but you HAVE to say why. You CAN'T just say you're wrong. It's cruel and mean and just not needed!
So NO name-calling and bashing!
 Got that? Good! Let's begin.
10: Black Doom
Who?
The main villain in the game, "Shadow the Hedgehog".
I know Shadow!
Yea. Black Doom is pretty much Shadow's blood father. Long story short, Black Doom helped Dr. Eggman's grandfather create Shadow in return for him to give Doom the Chaos Emeralds so he can invade Earth.
Why do they always want to invade?
No clue. I hate him because he's SO one note! His boss fight is long and annoying and his motive is SO cliche!
Cliche how?
His motive is to take over and enslave humans for energy and servants. If that's not cliche, I don't know what is.
Yep.
And plus he's just so boring! And the fact that the game made me groan didn't help either.
Groan?
Yea, let's just say it was very boring and confusing.
So you gave up?
Na, I beat it. But that's not the point. The point is that he's a horrible character that could easily be avoided.
 Point taken.
9. Vayne Carudas Solidor
Who and does his name have any bases to his personality? Is he vain like his name?
Oh yea. This guy is the main villain of Final Fantasy XII(The only Final Fantasy I've played) and he is despicable!
So he's all about him?
Yep. You see, This guy is the crowned prince of the Archadian Empire and he was responsible for a HUGE war that is kinda the main point of the game.
And let me guess he doesn't care? Kinda like Jackson from SS?
Yea, but he's worse.
Worse than Jackson? Oh that's not good.
No. It wasn't. He was able to conquer the Kingdom of Ivalice and utterly destroy the Kingdom of Dalmasca... with their equivalent of the Tsar Bomba(The most powerful nuke in existence).
Sh*t! Please tell me he's paranoid!
Actually, no. He's always calm and collected. And get this, he killed not one, not two, not even four, royals. He killed FIVE ROYALS! INCLUDING HIS OWN FATHER! That's right! He killed his own father for the throne!
Ok, he is evil. Why don't you like him? He seems like a perfect villain (if there was such a thing).
You could say he was. You know why?
Why?
Because he has a freaking GOD helping him!
A god! like big powerful Zeus type god or an angry brash Thor type god - yes I know, I had to bring Thor into this.
More like a quiet Satin. But do you know what Vayne has done? I'll tell you. He killed off an entire empire, killed the king of a sovereign nation, had one of the main character's brother betray the other, had a main character's father create a super-weapon, endangered millions of lives during the final battle, and fused himself with the god to become even more powerful to kill EVERYONE!
OK I still don't get why he's on the list?
He has no freaking heart! He even tried to kill his younger brother because he(the younger brother) wanted to settle the people of Ivalice diplomatically instead of killing off the Resistance. He doesn't care that he kills.
Yeah I guess that makes him evil.
8. Orboro
You know what's coming. Who and what's his story?
Orboro is one of the main villains of the game Custom Robo(Or as it's known in Japan, Custom Robo Battle Revolution), a game where you fight with nano sized robots in a tiny arena.
That doesn't sound too fun, but who am I to judge?
Anyways, in the game there is a living virus called Rahu that is extremely powerful. So powerful, in fact, that years before the events of the game, it utterly destroyed the world leaving it empty and lifeless. Humanity was forced to live in domed cities to protect themselves.
Ok.
Now, Orboro's plan is to take over the world by controlling Rahu. But his plan backfires when the man he thought was his second in command, betrayed him.
I guess that would cause some problems.
Yea, and plus Rahu got away during the fight because Orboro tried to use Rahu in battle, and once he got his a** handed over to him on a silver platter, Rahu took his chance and fled.
So he's a coward too?
Oh yea. And he killed your character's father and took over the "Z Synicate",and twisted the organization from informing the people about the outside world to trying to take it over with Rahu.
Oh so he is a real piece of work?
Yea and I hate him because how arrogant he is, saying that he's going to forage a new world order. What a load of sh*t.
It could happen though, just not the way he makes them think.
Yea.
7. General Scales
A snake guy?
More like a dinosaur. General Scales is one of the villains of Star Fox Adventures and he's pretty much a d*ck.
How?
Well, General Scales is the leader of the Sharpclaw Tribe and he commanded his army of raptor like dinos to invade the Force Point Temples and removed the Spirit Stones causing the planet to break apart. He then invaded a holy site and scared off the Krazoa Spirits(Entities that help channel the magical energy of the planet.
Ok. So he's a dictator type bad guy?
Yea, he even kidnaps a queen's babies and torments them just to get his rocks off.
Oh lord he's mean!
Very. And once he is defeated, his own soldiers beat and kill him because he's down.
There are tribes that did that to people.
And they celebrated as well.
Gosh, he really must have been bad.
Very. He kidnapped the Earthwalker's prince and let his soldiers beat on him. He enslaved three tribes and created a monster to only maim and kill.
A monster?
Yea. and the boss battle with it was boring.
Boring?
Yea, all I did was spam the fire button.
That is boring.
Yep. And the fight against Scales was so easy. Know why?
Why?
I didn't have to fight him. He was beat by someone else by surrendering to a guy HE COULDN"T SEE. The invisible per son talked to him and Scales gave up!
Coward!
6. Marquis de Maltiban
Who?
The villain in Sid Meirs' Prirates.
Ok, why's he on the list?
It all started 10 years ago when your family was having a party. Then the Marqius busted into your home and said that your family's fleet had been lost and the morgage had become due.
Ok.
And guess what he does.
Kicks you out?
Kidnaps your family and hides them away.
Meanie!
You know why I hate him?
Aside from him being a kidnapper?
He's so freaking annoying to find! You have to sail around the Carbbean for years looking for his minions only to go doing it all over again until you finally fight him at his base deep in Indian territory.
God that would be hard.
Not really. He's a pushover. and what happens after you beat him? No cutscene showing his death! Instead you have him as your f*cking cabinboy!
You have him as a cabinboy?!
Yea! That's it!
Is the character stupid?
You're a pirate, what do you think?
Point taken but Rena's a pirate and she's smart.
5. Pachacamac
Who? Sounds mexican.
Close. He's a minor character in the game "Sonic Adventure". He was the the father of Tikal the Echidna and the chief of the Echidna Tribe that actually closely resembles the Aztec culture.
Echidna? Isn't that Knuckles' last name and the name of some austrailian animal?
Yes, as a matter of fact, Knuckles is a direct descendant of Tikal herself.
Oh!
Now in the game Sonic Adventure we don't get much detail about him, only little snippets of the past in the game.
Ah so why's the villain with the funny name on the list?
Well, he's not a villain and he's not a hero either. You know how there are the Seven Chaos Emeralds?
Yeah.
Well, during this time, the Echidna tribe was at war with another tribe and apperently they were struggling to end it with a decisive blow. So he goes to the Angel Island Shrine(Which at that time was still grounded) and tried to steal the Chaos Emeralds. Now Tikal didn't want her father to do so because it would anger the God of Destruction, Chaos. And you know that there are these cute little creatures called Chao?
Yeah.
Well, when Tikal stood in her father's way to protect the shrine, he ordered his men to run her and the Chao over to get the Emeralds. That awakened Chaos and he went on a rampage that destroyed the known world.
Not good.
Exactly, so Tikal sacrificed herself to the Master Emerald and imprisoned Chaos and herself in the Emerald to quell Chaos.
Brave.
Yes, but if it wasn't for her father's selfishness and greed, none of this would have happened.
Yeah.
4. Mario
Isn't Mario the good guy?
You would think so wouldn't you? But if you look closely, you'll find a pattern.
Is this the communist thing again?
No. It's something different. What is Mario's favorite way of killing an enemy?
Jumping on them? Shooting them with something (fireball, iceball).
Yes. Mario jumps and crushes the enemy. and what happens when he does?
Coins?
No. He whoops. Don't you think that's a little wrong? He ended the life of a creature simply because they're in his way.
Yeah that is. Never thought of that.
And he celebrates it. Freaking celebrates it! Don't you think that's horrible? And he doesn't just do it because he's killing enemies, he even does it when he attacks innocent creatures like Cheep Cheeps and the Wigglers.
Yeah!
And what about his brother Luigi? How many times does Mario leave him out of his adventures?
A whole lot.
Yeah! And how does Mario treat his brother?
Badly.
And what about how many times he lets Peach get captured?
Pretty much all the time.
Exactly. And how many times does he drop Yoshi into a pit to get some extra air on his jump?
That annoys me!
Yea! And think about how about how many women he's involved with?
A lot?
Yea. and do you know HOW many times he's invaded people's homes?
Nope.
Exactly. It just shows how many times he did it.
Or it shows how little I play.
3. Demyx
Some kind of god?
He wishes. He's the biggest wimp in Organization XII in the game Kingdom Hearts II.
Oh.
He uses water to attack and in his boss battle in the middle of the game. And he has the most annoying and frustrating one hit KO attack in the series!
That would be annoying.
Yea! And he is such a wimp! I hate him mainly for being the most powerful boss in the series and yet the most pathetic boss in the series!
That's a contradiction.
But he is! I HATE him for that!
2. Sandra Lieberman
Ooh a female villain?
Yea. The last two are female.
Cool!
Sandra Lieberman appears in the game Trauma Team.
Your current favourite.
Yep. Anyways, You play as Naomi Kimishima investigating the third of several bombings committed by the Raging Bomber.
Who is?
A person who has killed a politician and a entertainer before this case. Now she had killed a tennis player named Aidan Posner.
Cool name.
And they would call the police and give them a hint on who is going to die next.
That's horrible!
A call then came in and the Revolutionary(The person making the calls) says that the next victim would be white. Next thing you know, a collage student was killed by a bomb exploding in his face.
That is horrible!
Yea. Come to find out that he WAS the Revolutionary!
He shot himself!?
No. He was killed by a bomb!
That's what I meant.
But he wasn't the Raging Bomber!
So he was told to do it?
He was told to make the calls but not the bombings. Then the Raging Bomber targets Naomi Kimishima. The Bomber almost succeeds but Alyssa Breslin(Her friend that is a little girl and is her neighbor) takes the bomb that was in a teddy bear and took it home. The bomb killed her family but somehow she miraculously lived.
Huh.
You are then able to find the Raging Bomber named Sandra Lieberman. You find her home but she traps you in her house with FIVE bombs that you have to disarm. And then you have to find her and arrest her before she bombs the First Lady.
Oh not good at all.
Yeah, once you find her she has taken a flight attendant hostage and ranting that "Rosaila will kill [them] all". She then suddenly bleeds from her ears, nose, eyes, and mouth. She then dies, dropping a detonator that kills her, the attendant, and two cops trying to nab her.
 All that for nothing.
I hate her because she has no soul and doesn't care who she kills just so long as she does.
1. Dahlia Hawthorne
Who?
This young girl is featured in "Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations" and is the main villainess in the game.
Is she the one you told me about? The red head that tries to kill him?
Hey! I'm supposed to spoil it!
 I'm allowed to know at least one villain.
Yea, but this is MY countdown! Remember?
Sorry continue.
THANK you! Oi... Anyways, she is the main villain of  T&T and trust me, she is pure EVIL!
I don't know many game villains so let me have my smartie pants moment. How?
I'm glad you asked. Dahlia Hawthorne is the daughter of a jeweler whose name is unknown. She had a twin sister named Iris too. Now remember Iris, she becomes important.
Ok Iris and Dahlia. If it makes you feel better I only know about Dahlia because YOU told me!
Shut up! My God! Oi! Anyways, when their mother, Morgan Fey, was unable to become the head of the Kurain Channeling Technique because her younger sister, Misty Fey, was more powerful than her, the father left Morgan and took Dahlia and Iris with him. He then remarried a woman who had a daughter already named Valerie Hawthorne.
Ok.
She was a devious child and saw her sister Iris as a nuisance. So she convinced her father to give her up to Hazakura Temple where she was cared for by Sister Bikini.
Hehe Bikini.
Yea. I think every boy who played this game snickered like an idiot thinking that. Anyways, when Dahlia turned 14, she pretended to fall in love with her tutor, Terry Fawles. She then used him and her sister Valerie to steal her father's most expensive gem and made her escape at Dusky Bridge outside the Hazakura Temple into Eagle River, making her escape and letting Terry get convicted for her "murder".
That's clever, if not slightly vindictive.
Then five years later Terry broke out of jail and attempted to meet Valerie at Dusky Bridge to talk to her about both of them fessing up about what they were really doing then. Afraid that it would ruin her, Dahlia killed Valerie and when Terry pulled up in a stolen car, she placed Valerie's body in the trunk, framing Terry. Later in court she posed as a  "Melissa Foster" and tried to get Terry a guilty verdict. But the defense attorney, Mia Fey, almost got her convicted. Terry Fawles refused to  cooperate and instead poisoning himself and dying on the stand. Dahlia then left the courtroom, as Mia recounts, with a "demonic smile on her face".
Evil and twisted!
It gets worse. Six months later Mia Fey called on a friend named Diego Armando, to come to the courthouse to find out more about Dahlia. Dahlia then stole poison from Doug Swallow, an Ivy University student and her boyfriend then, and slipped it into Deigo's coffee to kill him by keeping it in a little bottle attached to a necklace. She then found Phoenix Wright, who was also studying at Ivy University, in the library and pretends to fall in love with him and gives him the bottle as a "gift". Diego didn't die, he only went into a coma that took years to recover from.
Jeesh! She hates men!
She then had her sister Iris take her place in school and try to get the bottle from Phoenix because the cops were onto her. After six months Dahlia didn't get her bottle back,she suspected that Iris fell in love with Phoenix. So without telling her sister she went back and tried to murder Phoenix by using the same poison that was used to kill Diego  by putting it into his cold medicine. But before giving Phoenix the pills, she found her now former boyfriend Doug Swallow trying to warn Phoenix about Dahlia. He was so furious that he shoved Doug against the high voltage electric pole and snapped the cable. Dahlia then saw her chance and killed Doug and placed the bottle of pills in his hand to frame Phoenix.
Oh!
Mia however was able to convict Dahlia and got her sent to prison and was eventually hanged but swore revenge on Mia. So five years later she met with her mother Morgan Fey(who was convicted for murder in the last game). Morgan told her about her plan to lure Pearl Fey and Maya Fey to Hazakura Temple; there, Pearl would channel Dahlia, who would kill Maya, so that Pearl would become the master of the Fey family.
Ok.
Diego caught wind and was able to contact Misty Fey and tried to stop the plan. It worked... somewhat and Misty Fey was killed during the incident. Dahlia then took control of Maya Fey and disguised her as Iris and trapped the real Iris in the Training Room Tunnels. She then tried to convict Maya for the murder.
This woman is evil and a b*tch with a capital B!
I know! Maya survived the ordeal and Dahlia was never channeled again. I think you can see why I hate Dahlia the most.
Yeah!

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